i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
