i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
