Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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