bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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