I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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