i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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