i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
