i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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