Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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