I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
