You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
ok first of all what the fuck
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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