Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
