I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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