dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
