if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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