I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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