Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
