I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
