She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
