Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
