My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
