I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
