dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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