forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
