She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
