im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
