Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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