These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize