We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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