wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
