I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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