lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
