He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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