You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
