We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
