You smell like stripper and shame
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
