I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize