My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
