My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
