at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
