I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
