I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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