I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
