i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
