Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
