wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
