I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
