I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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