My balls are so social today.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
