I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Thank you for not boning my boss.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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