I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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