The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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