Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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