mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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