chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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