Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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