I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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