my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
