he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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