Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You're a waste of cheezeits
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
