I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize