an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
