Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
