Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Randomize
