STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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